Fitting in

[dhbearguy]

I kinda feel lost. I kinda feel like I don't fit in. It's werid, but latley, I just don't feel like I belong. I have a lot to do, but it seems like I have no where to go. I feel like my life has no direction! I don't know what has changed, and I cannot recall feeling this way before.

I was at Bearracuda tonight, and I felt like I was a major outsider, I could not figure out how to break into what was going on there. There were plenty of people who know me, and I know them, but I could just not get into ther converstaions, or the grove of the environment.

When I got there, I did have a nice converstaion with one guy who I knew, who is about my age, but I just could not talk to others. I was sitting there helpless!

I think it is probably because I am practically living alone. Before Christmas, there was always someone here. The roomate, or the boyfriend. I don't have either of them here anymore. I am probalby just feeling lonely! And while going out I thought was supposed to help curb that, it does not seem to be working.

The one thing I have really enjoyed this past month is going country dancing with telecommunicate! TERPSICHORE, or Kira as I called him the other night. My dance muse. Thanks J.P.

I think I am going to start spending my weekends at home, except for Sundance Saloon. Catch up on tv, watch netflix dvd's, work on Stompede planning. Spring clean the apartment. Definatly do other things then go out to the bars.

It is weird, I didn't know being so popular would feel so lonely.

Comments

What *is* "Popular", anyway?

[allanh.livejournal.com]

"Popular" doesn't mean "purposeful".

I've suffered all my life from always feeling like an outsider. To a certain extent, gay square dancing has helped ameloriate that feeling ... until after the dancing's over, and everyone else suddenly takes off in seven other directions, leaving me all alone.

For about 5 or 6 years now, I've found that setting myself up somewhere visible and easily accessible (e.g., a square dance convention's hotel lobby) will usually result in some VERY nice people coming over to sit down and talk to me. These people - often outsiders and loners themselves - tend to have fascinating stories, are highly entertaining, and many of them have become very good friends with me over the years.

urbear has posted about having Aspberger's Syndrome, and I feel fairly certain I probably have it, too. I just can't mix naturally with other people the way I observe other people interacting. I can make a conscious effort to emulate the behavior, but it never becomes more than just an emulation.

We don't know each other terribly well, but I suspect that both Randy and I would enjoy getting to know you better. (And perhaps toss a friendly otter or two your way when we run across 'em.)

Perhaps we could get together at Peter's Coffee Shop (next to Millbrae BART) for lunch or dinner ... ?

And I'll second squalidbear's comments about 5-HTP. It's an over the counter supplement, and it does help to make me feel less depressed when I find my mood swinging. I also use an under-the-tongue supplement called "GABA Calm" (Whole Foods or GNC should stock it) to help out with anxiety.