How I'm doing.

I have had many ask me how I am doing lately. Honestly, I feel like I am a mess. I cry, I am sad, I am stressed, I am nervous. All the things you never see in me. But in all honesty, this is the first time in a very very long time that someone so close to me has gone through something like this.

In February, when beg1n had his surgery, 3 days later he called me right before the cruise I went on was to leave port. He was raspy and weak but wanted to make sure he told me to enjoy myself. I also did not see Jeff in the hospital, so I had no idea what his physical condition was.

This time around, it is 6 days since his surgery, and I have been to the hospital. The first time, Jeff was very responsive, but the other 2 not so much. It is like Jeff is off somewhere, and cannot be reached. Yesterday, I did get his attention and he was with me for a few seconds. When I thought he was with me, I said "Ber if you are with me squeeze my hand, and he did" The rest of the visit he was just off in his own world. I like to think he is off somewhere happy, and healing. Every moment I visit that I get to see him and he is with me will be one step closer to him being with me again like before the surgery.

I am very greatful to all of you who have contributed to Jeff's fund. I am very greatful for the wishes from you and the concern for how Phil and I are holding out. We are holding our own for sure. I am greatful I have someone in my life like Jeff to love, who loves me back.

I am stressed, I am crying, I am Sad, but I am optimistic that I will have my Jeff back, and that optimisim keeps me in check for most of my day.

Today's Jeff Visit

WOW, what a great Jeff visit today. I walked into his room, and he looked right at me and raised his left hand to me. I went right over to him and grabbed his hand and smiled big and said "Hi Ber!" He held on my hand a bit. I grabbed a chair and got up beside him and talked to him. Said a bunch of hello's from a bunch of you all!

I was looking at him silent at one point while he was dozing out, and he came back to me and I saw his left cheek move upwords. I said "Did you smile at me??" He shook his head yes!! Phil arrived and he sat in the chair by the window while I had my time with Jeff. Jeff kept grabbing at a pillow beside him and I was trying to figure out what he wanted. I said, "You want me to move this"? He shook yes, I said, where do you want me to put it. He raised his left arm to behind his head. Phil and I adjusted him the best we could to get him comfortable. He wanted his head elevated. We also determined that his head hurt, so Phil called the nurse in to see if he could have some meds for pain. It was time. Right after they gave him his pain meds, I kissed him farewell and told him I would be back to see him soon. He waved bye to me and right now he is probably in morhpine la la land.

I got to meet his social worker who is very nice. Just talked about legal stuff with Phil. Watch for Phil's update for today. While she was saying some things, she kinda of said something about Jeff that was a questions and Jeff made a hand gesture that was like "Eh, I don't know" To me that says that Jeff is really thinking, and understanding, and that has been a big fear of mine.

I feel much better after this visit. It was great to see him so active and response.